He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
