Betty ford says i'm here all night
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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