My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
