My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
