i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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