This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize