Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
