I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
