I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
