Screwed.edu
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
