I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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