Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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