what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
