My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
