when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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