My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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