dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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