I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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