that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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