Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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