Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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