My friends, they love my intelligence
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
