just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
