She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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