Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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