so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
