I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
