smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
