I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
