no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
