youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
