I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
there's paper in my vomit.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Why can't burritos get me drunk
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
