when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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