I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
