Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish i was in the wii world.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
