You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
