she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
