there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
