dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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