Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
