You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
