My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
