I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You pole danced in your parka.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
