I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
