I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
