Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
