sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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