i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize