Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
