i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
