my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
