I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
