So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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