Are we in a gay sports bar?
I wish I only lived at night.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
