I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
