I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
being pregnant is like rehab
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
